You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
