I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
