if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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