Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
