There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
