Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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