Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We are two peas in an std pod
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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