sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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