i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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