I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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