We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
