Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
