Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
