Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
