oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
did i just pee glitter
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