before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
