My hand turned me down
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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