Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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