We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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