I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize