If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He better not be in your backpack
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize