I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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