Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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