I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
