I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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