just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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