On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
