i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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