When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
