bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
