i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
