im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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