the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He did a backflip because drugs
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