Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize