Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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