my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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