Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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