Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
