No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
