You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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