I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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