just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
