I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
