is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
