My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
