He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize