My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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