im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
