you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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