you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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