So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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