I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
