I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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