Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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