I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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