I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
True strength comes from lack of pants
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
