I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every concussion has its silver lining
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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