Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
