Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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