They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
