home. puking in laundry basket.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
