If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize