i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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