went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
